Who watches the Watchmen? Jamie_Dodger_ does.

As a huge fan of the graphic novel I was really excited to see this back when it hit cinema screens.

The look of the film was stunning and I think Zack Snyder got the balance right on what to put into the story and what to leave out this cinematic version and save for the extended DVD.
Rorschach and Nite Owl II were just how I imagined them to be in the flesh. I think Jackie Earle Haley really nailed Rorschach and Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl II was very good.

It was a nice touch to have Nite Owl there when Rorschach died as it made for a more emotional scene compared to the book where he died alone with nobody there but Dr.Manhattan.

On the subject of Doctor Manhattan I might as well get out the way what everyone was talking about and that would be his very blue penis. I never really noticed it after the first time to be honest but I am glad they decided to keep him how he is for the film and not give him some permanent underwear as that wasn't what he was all about.

Maybe there would of been more of an uproar if it had been one of the human characters with their schlong forever hanging out?

As for the 'sex' scene on Archie (The ship) between Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre I would admit that seemed a bit out of place with the content and maybe should be cut down for the DVD. It was like watching poor porn (Or so I have heard) and it did make me chuckle for all the wrong reasons. I don't think what that was all about was really covered on film like it was in the book and so it came across completely different to what it should of been.

I was also chuffed that the scenes from the book I wanted to see were in there. Don't read too much into my mental state about that please as they were mostly violent scenes involving Rorschach in prison.
I loved the cooking fat mutilation and the whole time he spent in prison although it was short compared to (dare I say it again) the book and I don't think he should of got his costume back straight away.

He was without it a while after he was freed in the book if I remember correctly.
I also did not see any problems with the look of President Nixon (some people have commented he looked fake) as I took it that he was just a caricature from the book and that was what was being aimed for.

The minor changes in the film really did not bother me at all and I would go as far to say in some respects it made it better. I really did not have a problem with the new ending either.

I think Zack Snyder has done a good job of bringing this film to the screen and he deserves praise considering the development hell this project had been in for well over twenty years. He has received a lot of stick from fans while making this and I think he has did a fine job.

I would go as far as saying Watchmen is the most faithful adaption of it's genre ever and unfortunately that also may be it's downfall when it comes to non-fans of the book. Do you need to read the novel to appreciate this movie? I think it would help but then I know people that have not read it and have really enjoyed it.
I love it though and I 100% recommend you check out the three hour director cut as well.

Some poetry for you. @Jamie_Dodger_ style...

For some reason last week I felt the need to write some poetry. While it's not the best in the world I thought I'd share it with you.

'Dog Turds'
Big and small but always brown.
White are vintage.
Dog turds.

'Women'
Women, like marmite.
Sometimes you love them.
Sometimes you hate them.
Both have yeast based issues. Women. 

'Gosling'
Ryan, Ryan Gosling.
You can't act.
But apparently you're a hunk.
Shallow, shallow women.

'Love'
Like Nik Kershaw I won't let the sun go down on me.
But the woman who works in carphone warehouse can any time.
Love.

It's not exactly Keats but it will do.

Marzipan Pubes - The day I rocked Twitter with a picture of a cake.

Sundays normally see me going to the pub like most for a few beers and the football on Sky Sports.

Today ended up being a bit different though as a friend  had called asking if me and someone else could go and rescue him for a while at a baby shower in a pub we wouldn't normally go to. The first thing I found a bit odd was someone having a baby shower in a pub? Isn't that something you ladies do at home? The second thing I thought odd was my mate was there. Making a mental note to rpi the piss out of him at a later date we were more that happy to oblige. We went along and walked straight into the pub and quite frankly the worst cake I've ever seen in my life.

As soon as I walked in I noticed what can only be described as the most bizarre looking cake I've ever seen. Straight away I thought to myself I really need to get a picture of that to share with others as not only did I find it hilarious it also disturbed me a bit that someone thought that was actually a good idea? Don't get me wrong I'm sure it tasted very nice but who the hell came up with that?

So I managed to take a few pics of it on the sly (remember I don't actually know the people who are having this baby shower) and immediately posted one on twitter saying:

Just stumbled into a baby shower when walking in the pub. This is a 100% real picture I've just taken of the cake...

And that is when it all went a bit mental on my Android.

I've been getting tweets and retweets from people that have found that picture either funny, disgusting or they are just baffled that anyone would think that a good idea and not in bad taste at all. I'm really not a prude (as people that follow me on Twitter know) but something about that cake just made me cringe.

I had to turn the alerts system on my phone to off in the end as it was beeping every second with people messaging me. It's still going now. People from all over the world are seeing this picture and sharing it. And then the people they share it with are sharing it and it doesn't seem to be stopping even now this evening. I also seemed to be trending for a while on UK Twitter which to be honest was bloody terrifying. As of me typing this that picture was coming up to 900 retweets.

I'll end by saying one of my favourite comments from someone so far has been - 

That cake isn't that realistic. The NHS would never allow you that many pillows.

Brilliant.

Discrimination at it's strangest....

Unfortunately it is still a common misconception that if you don't look a certain way some people expect you to be somehow mentally lacking.

You may or may not know I was born with a cleft lip a palate.

Approximately 1 in 700 children are born with a cleft lip and/or a cleft palate each year. Clefts can also affect other parts of the face, such as the eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and forehead. Lucky for me I've not had other problems apart from scaring, my nose and some speech and hearing problems when I was a kid. The only problem I have with my forehead is the lack of hair which now seems to be falling out (thank you Dad).
Anyway, it's a shame that in this day and age some people still seem to associate such problems with mental capability as well. I don't get this from people very often but when it does it still catches me off guard. Although I'm capable of ignoring such ignorance I find myself still rather pissed that some people can be so narrow minded.
I recall once I was minding my own business when an elderly lady came up to me one day and told me it was nice that people like me were able to get jobs. When I asked her what she meant she said "You know" to which I replied "No, I don't".
She then went on to tell me how she thought it was good that despite me being "slow" (her words not mine) it didn't stop me from getting a job. After I got over the sheer disbelief of what this women said I couldn't help but wonder how many other people put up with such ignorance on a daily basis and how they handle it?
These days I find it rather amusing in a sad way when I come across these people. Don't get me wrong it's young and old that can be like this (don't want some pensioners group having a go at me) but if at some point in the future you look at someone that maybe doesn't conform with your narrow view of society for goodness sake think before you open your mouth.

Batman & Robin (1997) - Yeah I pretty much love this movie.

Right. As a tribute to the 60's Batman show this film is fantastic.
There. I have said it...
If Joel Schumacher's goal was to make a kid-friendly Batman adventure romp, then he succeeded. Yes I agree its bad but its actually perfect for kids and seeing as I have the mentality of a child that's probably why I enjoy it. I'll admit it's mind numbingly stupid but whats not to enjoy about bat puns, plant puns, ice puns and bird puns? I also love the sets in this they are fantastic.
While the bat costumes are dodgy (although remove the nipples and they would be alright) I've always loved the Mr Freeze costume. In fact I always thought Arnie would of been a great Mr Freeze if the script had not been so poor and he wasn't such a shite actor.
His evil plan regarding turning Gotham into a giant ice cube it up there with turning all the world leaders into small dust piles. People forget this film does have a serious side, with Alfred's failing health (Even more poignant after the sad death of Michael Gough) and the tragic story of Mr. Freeze and his wife. The less said about Uma Thurman though the better and as for Bane he's alright...hmmm.
I still think George Clooney was far better than Kilmer who was just meh! in my opinion. Although his portrayal is a far cry from the tortured soul whose parents were gunned down right before his eyes.
Chris O'Donnell is ok as Robin but I think he was a lot better in the previous film. I wonder what Christian Bale would of been like had he won the role?
One thing I've never understood is why Barbara is Alfred's niece and not Gordon's daughter? I also think she should of kept the helmet piece we see her wear on her Bat-bike which was like Batman's mask. That would of been far better.
"Bruce it's me Barbara"...No shit! Alicia Silverstone.

Barbara: Partners?
Dick: Partners.
Bruce: Partners.
Alfred: We're going to need a bigger cave.

RIP Batman movies until 2005.

3D films just don't do anything for me I'm afraid. Infact I hate them.

If I can I avoid 3D films like the plague.

Since it became popular again I've not seen the point or the appeal of this craze and I do my very best to avoid films involving it as in my experience it's overrated. It's clearly just a way to get an extra few quid out of me as its almost double the cost of a cinema ticket to experience the novelty.
I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I care more about the story and characters in a movie and not if I'm being amazed by bullets or laser beams coming out of the screen because I'm wearing look-a-like NHS glasses. I'm sure at some point in the future we will see even more directors solely concentrate on this bandwagon and thus ignore the story and any message the film itself might have. For now I'm happy to watch films without 3D although I'd ask you kindly to give me a call when the Star Trek holodecks arrive.

A letter to George Osborne

I stumbled across this last week and I thought I'd share it with you.

Chancellor of the Exchequer
11 Downing Street
London
England

24th June 2010

Dear George Osbourne

It has come to my attention that while many of my friends and I were at the funeral of our good friend Paul Reekie (aged 48) it would appear that you were giving a speech in Parliament announcing your intentions to slash the benefits paid to the poorest and most vulnerable in our society.

I thought I would let you know that Paul took his own life last week. He didn’t leave a note but he laid out two letters on his table. One was notifying him that his housing benefit had been stopped. The other was notifying him that his incapacity benefit had been stopped. Unlike you and your fellow upper class ponces Paul was a creative genius and much loved by all who knew him.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing this letter is just so you know the human cost of attacking those on benefits. And also to let you know that if you are ever in Edinburgh, and we have the misfortune to meet, I’d like to kick your fucking cunt in.

Yours sincerely

Kevin Williamson

Crazy pensioners with wheels!

Before I start this rant I would like to point out that I have the up most respect for elderly people of this country. They should all be treated far better than they are. Apart frome when it comes to one thing.
When it comes to mobility scooters I honestly can't understand how some of these elderly folk are allowed to use them. I've had a few "run ins" in the past with such folk and to be honest I think it's about time there was some sort of check to make sure they can be used safely.
I remember a time when I was bashed in the leg by someone on a mobility scooter. The apology went as follows.

"Sorry love I'm blind in my left eye so I didn't see you".

Erm, if you are blind in one eye than
why feck are you using one of these things
in the first place?
Let's be honest some of these scooters are built like a Sherman tank and you wouldn't be out of place thinking that some of the people that drive them have some sort of Dictator mentality going on. It's like they expect people to move out of their way in a matter of seconds as they have a group of people they need to get to and oppress.

Isn't it about time it was compulsory for some of these people to be trained how to drive a scooter? And medical checks should be a must? If you can't see out of one eye I'm pretty sure that it's dangerous to be on one of these.

And don't get me started on the ones that drive on the roads. I think the main speed limit these are meant to go are 8mph but I can tell you now I'm sure you should be going at that speed in a busy supermarket like ASDA which is full of people.

For now though if I get hit by one again I'm going to disconnect the battery and let the tyres down. See how they get home then. Infact if I've been really hurt that might be a bad idea as I could ask them for a lift to Casualty.

The Dark Knight Rises: What Dodger thought of it.

"Now is not the time for fear. That comes later."

I was a bit late coming to the Nolan Batman films. I didn't see Batman Begins until a few years after it came out and even then the only reason I did was The Dark Knight had a release date the following year. I really didn't rate the film on a first viewing. Maybe it was because I was expecting Batman to be in it more and I didn't realise how much of an origin story it was going to be.
One thing that was clear though was Christian Bale was good in the duel role of Bruce Wayne/Batman and that director Christopher Nolan's take on one of DC's famous sons would be a much more real affair than it's predecessors.

Eventually on repeat viewings I came round to liking it and it set me up for The Dark Knight which much to my distaste was going to feature Heath Ledger as one of comics most iconic villains The Joker. We all know what an idiot I am when it came to that little gripe. Ledger was amazing as Joker and it's a shame he never saw the huge reaction and praise he was given for his part.
Overall I can't describe how much I've enjoyed The Dark Knight and always assumed a 3rd film was certain considering that film ended with Batman on the run.

I've been looking forward to the final movie The Dark Knight Rises for an absolute age. When I heard Tom Hardy had been cast as Bane I was absolutely ecstatic. Tom Hardy is a brilliant actor and the news he was going to be the main bad guy in the final film had me really excited.

The thing was though that when you mentioned Bane to people they would refer to Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. This wasn't the best representation of the character. I started to get a bit annoyed and in the end gave up explaining to people that Nolan's version would be nothing like that.
I think Tom's portrayal is up there with Heath Ledger's Joker from The Dark Knight although he doesn't quite steal the show as Ledger's Joker did.


Where as Heath's Joker was absolutely terrifying to watch due to being crazy Tom's Bane is the complete opposite. He encourages fear in people just by his size and the sheer ease he uses violence to eliminate people he no longer has time for. I was very happy to see they kept Bane breaking Batman's back in the film. For a while I thought they were going to skip what was once such a pivotal plot point in the comics. That whole fight before hand was brilliant and fantastically brutal. I loved it.

I think it's fair that many people have complained about Bane's voice and at first I thought this was an issue myself. On reflection though it wasn't a problem for me really. Just a few lines I didn't understand but that was more down to the cinema sound system. His actual accent worked well and I like how most people expected Bane to just be a thug when in fact he's an intellectual. You may or may not know the mask Hardy had to wear was actually a prosthetic makeup attached to his face. I think as an actor he did well considering we only really saw his eyes all the way through the film.


"We both know that I have to kill you now. Well… You will just have to imagine the fire"

I loved how despite Talia al Ghul telling Bane to keep Batman alive he waits until she is gone before going to hang him anyway. Bane's death was the only thing I found disappointing. Although I suppose it was a realistic way for him to bow out.

Christian Bale's is amazing and in this movie he makes his Bruce/Batman an even more tragic figure than in the previous films. I'm always a bit critical of Bale but I can't really fault him in this. He managed to get across perfectly the sadness, guilt and fear Bruce is feeling and the sense of responsibility he feels when it comes to protecting Gotham. The end of the film is a real emotional kick and I like how the citizens of Gotham come to accept what a hero Batman is by the end of the film by having a statue in his honor.
Michael Caine as always does a fine job as Alfred and it's true what a friend said to me a few days back. "When Michael Caine cries on film he can make you blub like a baby". He wasn't in this film as much as I'd liked him to of been but his story arc in the trilogy is sewn up nicely and we are left with the feeling Alfred can now move on with his own life knowing that Bruce is happy.

Hathaway's Catwoman is a magnetic presence whenever she's on screen and she has great chemistry with Bale. Selina may be the good bad girl, the thief with a heart of gold, but Hathaway plays her with a wounded spirit and an edge that makes her feel genuine and sympathetic even when she's being naughty.

As expected Gary Oldman as Gordon did a splendid job and so did Morgan Freeman. I should probably say more regarding these two but does it really need to be done? Both brilliant actors that are good in near enough anything they are in.

Joseph Gordon Levitt gets a high rating from me as his contribution to this film cannot be ignored. If anything he has one of the most important story arcs in the whole film. Ever since his character was announced fans (myself included) were speculating what his role in the movie was. I thought it was awesome that "Robin" John Blake is passed the torch in an indirect way by Bruce at the end of the film and what really geeked me out was reading on line that the actual character of Blake (created by Christopher Nolan) was actually a mixture of the 3 different characters in the DC comic to of worked alongside Bruce as Robin. Looking back now you can see all the incidents that John tells us having gone on in his life have molded and shaped him a lot like it did the various Boy Wonders in the comics over the years. "Robin Begins" anyone?

Overall I think The Dark Knight Rises was a good end to what has been a fantastic trilogy of Batman films. There is already speculation that there may be a Catwoman spin-off. Something I don't want to see as I think it would spoil what has been created already. That also goes for what I just said about with a Robin spin-off. Let's just leave it now and wait for the expected Batman reboot that has already been announced for the next few years.

Batman in Christopher Nolan's films was the hero Gotham deserved. He was a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.

Grand Theft Auto: Harlow

I've been playing a bit of the Classic PS2 game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas lately and it got me wondering if it's possible to set a Grand Theft Auto game in my home town of Harlow in Essex. For people that don't know Harlow this blog post from website Chavtowns – Britain's worst places to live! should clear up why I've been thinking this is a great place to set the game.

What to say about Harlow…a place that new town planners had taken their primordial scalpel to and butchered leaving characterless housing estates and banal shrines of grey concrete that for some reason were supposed to represent progression, prosperity and modernism. For example Terminus House, a huge monstrosity at the epicentre of the town that both astounds and revolts those confronted with it in turns. Even from the leafy suburbs in Hertfordshire, this ugly mass sits on the horizon like a grey benign tumour. With the exception of Old Harlow, each area of the town blends together to form a tapestry of despair and dereliction complete with its own soulless precinct adorned with newsagents that sell warm beer, stale crisps and cottage cheese in milk cartons. One can choose to enjoy a pint of substandard, emasculated reject lager from the continent that wouldn't intoxicate a minor in the dingy, musty Yates pub. Or perhaps a myriad of special offers for cheap nasty shots or alco-pops in Liquid or Jumpin’ Jacks where getting lucky that night would warrant either Chlamydia, Syphilis or your name on the sex offenders register by the next morning. Or mingle with peers half your age, when you’re 18, in the local Wetherspoons only to be thrown out by a lumbering neanderthal with a speech impediment three hours later because you look to old. Then there is the cuisine, while most people would ideally venture to an Italian restaurant for a Calzone and a bottle of wine, those in Harlow are forced to sit around a KFC bargain bucket. I rapidly learnt that my evenings out would be spent elsewhere.

And the there are its inhabitants, by inhabitants I mean the chavs and chavettes that provide the crime statistics. The kind of chavs that labour under the misapprehension that they are ‘gangsta’ but would shit themselves in South Central Los Angeles or Johannesburg. The kind of chavettes that glow like an amber traffic light with a superking resting precariously on their bottom lip pushing screaming quintuplets around in a buggy as they consider what to steal out of Primark when the sale is on. The attire of these people is comical, single coloured tracksuits, any cap worn by any god awful rapper or slicked rigid hairstyles, designer high top trainers and cheap gold purchased from Argos. The male uniform is fairly similar.

The only decent characteristic that Harlow boasted was its college, of which I attended. It stood as a resilient beacon among the woes of the town and by the time the first term ended all the chavs and chavettes that took mechanics and hair and beauty courses to avoid getting a job had long since dropped out due to drug problems, pregnancy or community service orders. Thus leaving the towns best and brightest desperately craving a decent education with a view to eventually flee. Unfortunately in Harlow one cannot have too much of a good thing, by the time I had left, the college was in freefall thanks to an overzealous and dictatorial principle who forced 120 of 180 of the lecturers out of their jobs, taking all what was honourable about the place with them.

And now, even if a nuclear warhead was detonated over the town or if it was the site of a core reactor meltdown, its landscape and assorted mixture of wanton chavs would remain unchanged.

So with that in mind I've come up with the start of a plot for Grand Theft Auto: Harlow.

"Ed has just come home to Harlow from a summer working abroad to find his family have been kicked out their house in Church Langley and have ended up in Brockles Mead.To make matters worse his dad has been sent to prison for flashing at women on the towns cycle tracks and his mum has been done for Benefit Fraud.Now Ed has to renew the family's honor and bring them back to the top while taking Harlow over bit by bit"

That is as far as I've got for now and I've already had suggestions involving people and places around the town regarding what missions could be in the game.

Maybe this could catch on...